Where Am I?

I think people generally hear about, or discover the concept of Enlightenment, and if interested in the philosophy, will pursue its acquisition. Consequently, they will confront and explore all aspects of themselves looking for it.

On the other hand, there are cases like mine, where a person realizes Enlightenment quite before they have any frame-of-reference to describe it. And then, a person like myself must confront and explore all aspects of themselves to deal with it. lol, Baba Ram Dass says, "All trips lead to the same destination."

We are all on a tremendous Arc of Existence! We are all people! This means we come inundated with a complex set of mammalian & social behaviors. This also means that we are equipped with the ability to perceive "I" and to pursue that fundamental. Contentedness does come in extricating oneself from one's mundanely perceived sense of self, to realize the vast act of consciousness, of which we are one.

Once I realized the Unchanging Essence for myself, I flew into a tailspin for more than a decade. So many aspects of my personality which had been shaped over the course of my childhood and adolescence were now in conflict with this larger acceptance of myself.

Making my way through that array of expectations was an adventure par excellence and tragedy. Youth is truly wasted on the young. But we get through it, and there remains a memory of something I miss very deeply, seeing it from the vantage point of age - of course it is true, you will never be younger than you are at this very moment.

While I did manage to get off the track I'd put my life, I haven't been able to illuminate for myself another path. My dreams are more deeply understood, and in their coming to be so, they have been put out-of-the-scope of one lifetime!

Additionally, time and again I have found that the greatest things, the things that revive you and give you a new lease on life, are those things whose realization you could not have dreamt or orchestrated. They are those things you did not know you needed, but came to you regardless. Everything works this way. I have found the more a person can accept the circumstances they face, the sooner those very predicaments are (often miraculously) resolved and dissolved.

A great faith begins to form after years of this kind of living. One begins to feel themselves shepherded through a wilderness that is too immense and frightening to consider.

I am still often times consumed with an anxiety of tomorrow. I still feed the desires which see myself becoming a particular fantasy version of myself. Therefore, events often have an emotional connotation, depending on whether they are in-fitting with my proposed story-of-self.

In the upcoming year (and beyond), I hope to do better with this behavior. Spending one's time in a lavish future rather than the present is a bastardly trade. Soon enough, the future comes and it is still the present...yet you are older, and the fantasies find themselves feeling a bit unrealistic and in need of a complete overhaul from the ground up. But as you are older and still attached to those old dreams, the reconstruction of new ones becomes an unbearable task.

It is for this reason I find myself, more than ever, thankful for what today has been. Privately, I think of all the people who have made this moment, for me, and the gratitude is like a tidal wave in my heart...I cannot direct it without causing the destruction of that which I seek to compliment. So my heart is exploding with each beat, sending recurrent waves of love through my body. I am in tears with joy, and I am in prayer, for I know naught.

It Has Been A Year!!!

So much has happened!! So much that I, myself, have forgotten that I even have this blog~!

But now that I have remembered, I have some things I would like to express. It is the day before Christmas Eve, 2011. I am at work at Red Interactive, my new gig as of August of this year - I have finally managed to recover my "career" from the abort-mission in my late-20s that I performed on my movie FX path. I am very thankful for this team of people. Casual excellence. I am also thankful for my experience of nearly 3 years at Petrol, and for the humility I acquired in surviving for so long in such a demanding setting. It was, indeed, the army boot camp I tried to avoid per my father's recommendation to me in high school. But I do not miss that environment.

None the less, I have much work to accomplish today, so perchance I will be inspired to finish this update at some point during my short vacation. Love, Greg.

Shamanism

I found an old journal from 2003 recently, and I was more than a little surprised to see just how...eclipsed I have become of my revelations from that era of my life.

All-the-while, I was aware that a certain a degree of jadedness had set in on me, mostly due to failed expectations and the experience of "getting old". But none-the-less, I still felt myself to be in-touch with my own enlightenment.

However, a strange sickness hit me suddenly, on President's Day, the day after I met Boris and Natalia Zhitomirsky's daughter Nikka. Whereas normally, I feel I have "caught a cold" from somebody or some behavior, this time, I couldn't come up with anything.

I was deeply disturbed however, from an experience I had that day: Natalia has a friend from northwestern china (Urumqi) named Ranum, who has a 10 year old daughter Nigara. Both of them are beautiful ladies, but Nigara took quite a liking to me this time and basically showered me with attention, laughter, and love. It was a radio frequency to a part of my heart which I had buried away.

Now the fact that a 5th grader sparked this feeling in me definitely left me feeling very concerned at my psychological well-being. I spent that evening smoking pot and freaking myself out, thinking like why am such a freak??

I fell asleep on the couch and I woke up in the morning with a cough that left me tasting blood. My first thought was, "You are KIDDING yourself if you think you have your smoking habit 'managed'. You are killing yourself."

Ugh. My body ached, so I proceeded to sleep it off, but it kept getting worse. By that evening, I was too sick to stand.

I missed two days of work, but by the end of the second day, as my visit to the doctor had confirmed, I was on the mend with no infection. I wasn't quite tired, so I scoured my bookshelves for something to read. I noticed a book I bought back in 2004 and had never read. "Chose By The Spirits", a guide book on becoming a Shaman. I had maybe tried to read it once, but it had seemed too practical for my paranormal-hungry self of that time, as well as from the Siberian family of Shamanism, which again, at that time, seemed outside my area of interest.

But now I have several friends from Russia, and in fact had just been spending time with Ranum, who grew up in the same culture as the author. So I began reading the book.

That night I fell asleep and had one of the most powerful dreams of my life. The first thing unique about it was that it started with me waking up within the dream. I woke up in Vegas-style penthouse motel room, although the size and lavishness of the room would shift dramatically. It was almost as if when you turning your head, you can't tell if the room is moving or your head is moving, because in this case, I would go to look under the bedside table but come back up to see the room had changed.

Somehow I *knew* this was the room of Jenna Jameson, but I have no idea how or why I knew that. Someone was in the shower, so I felt an impending sort of pressure to "do something" before they were done, but I didn't know what it was. Besides, as I got up and tried to do anything, the room would shift when I wasn't looking, and I was slowly becoming disoriented.

Per norm in dreams, none of this really bothered me yet. I didn't have the sense that anything was wrong...just typically difficult. To illustrate, at one point, the entire half of the room closest to the windows became *filled* with childrens stuffed animals. I think they were tigers of all shapes and sizes. When I would focus on anything, details would fill that area making it exponentially difficult to remain focuses on what I wanted.

I had managed to get myself over to the desk when the person from the shower appeared from the bathroom, except apparently there were two people in the shower, a middle-aged balding-and-buzzed sallow-looking shapeless white guy and his female counterpart. They just stared at me like cows. I was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed closest to the window, and when I turned to look at it, now laying there was Jenna Jameson herself.

She was looking directly at me, she was very mandala-esque, meaning all around here were intricate patterns of light/cloth/form...and as I was looking at her, literally, her costuming would shift.

Then she became naked and began acting the way she is famous for acting, and for a few minutes it seemed like it was going to become one of those dreams. But just as I began to get excited, she did one of those "I AM ZUEL!" type of tricks and like pulled her pussy over her head or something incomprehensible...and transformed into a black-and-white asian-looking version of herself, complete with a tophat, white makeup, black gloves, and perhaps a long cigarette filter.

I looked to my right, out the window and I notice the skyline of Vegas...and a WHITE CAT who also seems to be wearing a sort of costume. The problem with this cat is that its hair is all flat and hard-looking, and its eyes are black marbles - it doesn't appear alive, it looks dead and stuff, although it is moving on its own.

By now, all the weirdness of the dream had added up and I begin feeling like, waaaait a minnnnnuuute, what the...

Just then, I looked down to see the cat had taken my whole pointer finger in its mouth and was sucking on it --

THAT WAS IT, I WOKE MYSELF UP.

Ever since that dream, I've felt different and I don't know how or why. It's almost like I'd totally lost my sense of purpose, trying to answer things like "Where should I live? Should I marry? Should I want kids? Will I ever be a successful artist?" And despite the repeated daily proposals of those questions, finding absolutely no answers.

Since the dream and being reminded of a very real spiritual world, I'm feeling hopeful again, excited for a task that is undeniably important to me and humanity.

But of course, I don't know how to proceed. So today, Saturday, I'm largely in the throws of regret, thinking about how Liz and Rhonda made their way into my life and how I so pig-headedly refused them.

I went to the book store to buy up a couple books. Borders in Glendale is closing and everything was 20% off, and I found a huge picture book of Frank Llyod Wright's houses, which was a steal for $50.

Beyond that, I feel like I need to remove smoking from my life. I'm afraid it will be rather hard, especially marijuana...but I've just been stoned for so many years now, I really don't feel I'm getting much out of it anymore. It feels like to really go further, I need to clean up.

#3

I really can't do this - my whole life, your whole life, the
universe and everything NOW at this moment is my self-summary. lol,
serious! The more peace, chill, and environmentally friendly, the
better. Life is really really interesting, haha. What? I'm serious,
lol! Laugh!!

I stepped out of my childhood at, like, 28, blinked, and realized I
hadn't done much maturing since about age 4. So I've been trying to
work with that little misunderstood spirit by re-approaching him
without judgement and criticism. Listening, considering, laughing
because happiness is the best. Turns out he's all for my team, and
the relationship is improving. It's a peaceful easy feeling.

probably nothing at the end of the day, but I deeply enjoy
exploring my interests. The discovery is easily more enjoyable to
me than acquiring the title.

I have no idea, I resist the urge to believe that nearly everyone
has their own strange hodge-podge of hopes and desires, which they
project on my ass. My preference is you notice that I look a lot
like you...and we are both perfectly unique beautiful human beings
facing the challenge of life together.

I propose a new ritual for this section of OkCupid: Only list the
top 3-5 most recent love affairs of media, update regularly (you
always want to be fresh widdit)


Me?

- I heard Slightly Stoopid for the first time at Smokeout this year
LOVE 'EM

- Kid Cudi's new album

- Black Keys new album



I just love music. I listen to everything, from all times, from
around the world. I think my favorite part about dating is learning
of other people's favorite music.

my Soul.

the fact I have no idea who I am - everyday surprises the heck out
of me. I experience myself to be on a huge journey of
consciousness. I feel personally responsible for the state of
humanity on this planet, as if it must be a reflection somehow of
my own selfishness and greed. If that is true, then I possess the
ability to change the world by healing these ill qualities in
myself.

heading, at light speeds, for parallel dimensions where people live
like there is no tomorrow - celebrating life ya'll

I grew up in Montana in the country, for real, but I've spent a
greater portion of my life in Los Angeles - I consider myself a
city kid at this point, even though I understand something about
solitude that a city kid cannot.

you trust your heart and you're curious what it might be like to
conversate with me. I want to relate with you and vice versa - we
have value to share!

OkCupid Profile #2 - it works

My Self-Summary
Uhm let's see: I'm a Pisces Dragon. I'm totally charming and a blast to be around when I'm up...and when I'm down, meh, just give me space and time to come back around, and I will.

What I’m doing with my life
I go dancing a lot because it makes me feel good. I'm always looking for innovative and groovy music scenes, of any genre or cultural background. I love exploring the city by transit, bicycle, and foot, going to events, mural hunting, eating (mmmmm)...and just always observing and admiring the similarities and differences among us in our great and diverse City of Los Angeles.

I’m really good at
lots of things! But I am great at being me! Balancing work/play, daily exercise, meditation, rhythm, diet, lounging, tobacco, 420, alcohol, sex, inspiration, reflection, hope, sharing, learning, teaching, and of course laughing.

The first things people usually notice about me
BLUE BLUE EYES, good fashion, tall, eccentric-looking. Strangers often ask if I am a musician. wtf? well, ok, I am.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Been reading auto-biographies lately. Anthony Kiedis "Scar Tissue" was excellent. Bob Dylan's "Chronicles Vol 1", Patty Smith's that came out recently about her love affair with Robert Maplethorpe.

I don't really search for movies/tv on my own, but I like pieces that are well-shot with complex stories and characters. Movies like dreams, trips, and those that illuminate the mystical qualities of existence. "Space Is The Place" is the last great movie I saw.

MUSIC is what gets me through life. I love everything, but I'm most into artists who make it like I would like to make it. Stuff that sounds like nothing you've ever heard before and is dance-inspiring. I don't care about genres, for example, Marty Robbins recorded in the 40s old southwestern gunfighter ballads, and these songs are incredible. Ben Wa is an underground collective of San Francisco musicians in the Primus/Buckethead scene that cut only two albums about ten years ago...one of which is called Devil Dub...out-of-print, and used copies run $80+ this album is just that good. Cumbia rules my world, but I also like latin pop - I once met Julieta Venegas before I knew who she was (and I liked her a lot). Bebe. I've rapped with Aceyalone. Wu Tang's 36 Chambers is about the most sick rap album ever, although I stand to be corrected. http://www.novaplanet.com/ is a French radio station that plays a great mix of new/old soul. Japanese rip-off bands are actually better than the originals in a lot of cases. I like Native American chanting and pow-wow beats, world beats in general. Cape Vert, Capoeira rhythms. Recently a friend of mine who grew up in Russia gave me about 10 albums of his favorite Russian music, and I'm telling you, these artists are still very much connected to their shamanic roots, because the music is POWERFUL. Lately, Dubstep as a genre has been blowing my mind...especially the Moontribe DJs. Oh and that new Black Keys album has really got a hook in me right now...I can't help it, I'm falling in love. :D

Food, mm, I love food, but I'm kind of bad about finding it. Movies and food, these are areas in which I need the help of a friend.

The six things I could never do without
my Soul.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
how everything has a relationship to everything else, and what does that all boil down to? Origins, social order, technology, industry, the manifest destiny of the human race...our planet, my family, other people's families, how government fails, how the wage-system is flawed - how we are the Gods of our own universii which came into existence as we formed in our Mother, and how She represents a being of power greater than our own godhood. I float up, I drift down. I find it all very exciting and I really don't take any of it very seriously. Just don't mess up my groove, foo'.

On a typical Friday night I am
Trying to balance my thirst for adventure and sport with good-sense and a commitment to my well-being. Lately, drawing a lot.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
If you ask I'll tell you the truth, nicely.

I’m looking for

* Girls who like guys
* Ages 18-100
* Near me
* Who are single
* For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals, casual sex

You should message me if
- you are a beautiful person who trusts your heart
- you find joy in what synchronicity brings
- and you are yourself.
- doesn't hurt if you are a horny vixen either ;)

Been A Long Time

I'm not sure who still checks in on my ramblings here on this site -- with the predominance of Facebook and its inter-connectivity, content on sites like Blogger just has no legs. However, for me, Blogger still serves as an archive of my published writings, and frankly, due to the bare-naked quality of these musings, I rather prefer that not everyone in my FB circle reads it.

Anyway, I have an hour before my lunch break, I'm comparatively sober, and emotionally detached. So I thought I'd do my best to write a little summary of where I feel I'm at within the scope of my life-dream.

Ya'll know I love music and have thrown myself at music with an all-eclipsing love. I dance better than ever. Once recently, at a Primus concert in fact, I asked my date (who was of cuban decent) if she knew Salsa - well, she's also Korean, Native American, and Caucasian, and so she said she did not...even though she can rave for two days straight. So in demonstration, I took only her one finger, did two steps to put her in the rhythm, and then turned her only using that one little finger. And I mean she snapped a 360 like I'd thrown a round-house kung-fu kick. I was quite proud of my energetic abilities.

To which, I might add: I'm in the best shape of my life. It continues to astound me every day the utter catastrophe of my childhood. I am shocked and beside myself that nobody recognized the awful trauma that derailed my physical maturation. I guess I didn't even really know myself, and so I never told anybody. It just happened so insidiously, one event leading to another, until one day I recognized that all the boys around me had grown big and strong while I was still sallow and weak. By this time and finding myself in another ridiculous predicament of abuse, I opted to let my father intervene, but the results were so humiliating that I vowed never to ask his help again.

Anyway, I am something of a celebrity in the local park, as my methods for correcting this past damage are an unusual-looking combination of gymnastics, martial arts, dance, yoga, and endurance exercise. Kids always want to come over and watch me and ask me what the heck I'm doing. Truly the highlight of my weeks usually are the conversations I have in the park with children and adults alike. The people of the world are good people.

I don't know the word to describe the feeling I have when contemplating this physical recovery of myself. To get here, I pretty much gave up everything of my former life. It's as if all those friends and lovers were in my life, willing to love me as the weak pathetic Greg...but when I stepped up and said I want to be more, they all shook their heads and said, "Well, then, that is our cue to be moving on."

Naturally, Rhonda probably best represents the energy of this migration, for she too is no longer in my life. But when I think about her, I can hear her saying, "Greg, we taught you all we could - the rest you have to do on your own."

So, I am amazed, like truly amazed at the profound mechanics and depth of life. I remember clearly that day in late 2005...I had been invited to Mitchel Snary's birthday party, at some bowling alley in Hollywood. He was still working in the movie industry, so I knew everybody at the party would be looking good and balling. I hadn't worked at a "normal" job in over a year, and frankly the time I had spent working I was stoned and just slipping through the cracks. So I remember, I got my favorite poor-boy meal from El Pollo Loco and hiked up to a favorite spot in Griffith Park. I remember thinking, on the way, "Fuck. I am depressed, my whole life has gone wrong." which is normal I suppose, but the intensity of the feeling was greater than ever before in my life. I couldn't remember ever feeling that way before that moment.

When I got to the top of the mountain, I smoked a joint, played on my drum for about 5 minutes before I just collapsed. Stoned, I then had an experience in which I felt that I died. Heck, if you go back through this blog, you can probably find the fresh description of the experience.

Anyway, what time has shown me is that this experience, although obviously "just-in-my-head" was altogether real. From that time, the only people I still have in my life are my family. Curiously, my old friend Caleb, my first co-worker friend in LA from 1996 made the hyper-space jump and is still around.

What is curious about that, actually, is that I met Caleb before the Sandra Chapter splintered all of my momentum into pieces. So he knew that young head-in-the-clouds, sky-is-the-limit Greg who had known no defeats in his adult life. As of late, I do feel a reversal in many ways. As if (like in time travel stories) some force outside the present tried to alter the path of my destiny, but despite said efforts, the impetus of the universe has eventually brought my life back around to its original path. So before I return to the subject of my love of energetic qualities of dance and music, let me digress:

My life in LA began in Burbank with my Aunt and Uncle (another coincidence, I work just down the street from their old house), but my personal life began in Pasadena, El Molino St. So let's add another layer of irony: Through FMG, I have come be accepted as an older friend to a generation of Pasadena kids. Hahaha, they were all like 5-7 years old when I moved to LA, but nevermind that. They are now the age I was when I came to LA.

I can't help but live vicariously through them - I imagine the life of youth, boredom, and frustration that I never had due to my engagement to Sandra and choosing an altogether CRAZY path.

Perhaps choice is not the right word. As I said, the trauma of my childhood had me so ill-prepared to achieve my dreams that life simply had to send me on a few GED courses to get me up-to-speed.

So what I'm saying is that I feel reborn. I feel as if I've been given a second chance to "land" in Los Angeles and live my dream. I fight an insane amount of bitterness though, because I realize now that there is no "better" path in life. Even though I was "traumatized" and all that jazz, EVERYBODY is similarly traumatized. None-the-less, there is a love story for everyone, no matter their sad childhood. My love story, between the extremes at which I experienced it, from Leticia to Liz, with honorable mentions to Holly, Cynthia, and even Sandra, was better than a guy could ever hope for. It leaves me angry at myself for having been unable to appreciate in the moment the sweetness of it. It leaves me fearful of myself, because in fact, I did appreciate the sweetness of it, and somehow through an equation of emotional mathmatics far too complicated for me to ever understand, it...played itself out -- and I wonder, is that simply the way of love? That thought leaves me cold and afraid to love again, which ices the whole process. I know I must love again, regardless. I must love again to live again, I must love again.

When I get into a self-reflective state-of-mind like this, actually I see the advantage I have in being older now. As a young person, you are such a target of fantasy. Everybody wants a piece of you in your 20s. But in your 30s, nobody really bothers - first of all, they can tell that you've already been around the block and probably recognize their schemes...secondly, they are worried that you might be crazier than they are.

So I have WAAAAAY more psychic space than I did in my 20s, which is probably the single most irritating thing I can remember about those years: I always felt this insane crunch on my time, which is why I never wanted to spend time at a job working. Because by the time I finished working, then finished necessarily hanging out with friends and lovers, there was almost no time left for ME. However, these days, work is my saving grace. Without work, I probably would go completely insane. Funny how things change. If I'd just known that my 30s would be a totally different dynamic, perhaps I could have just settled into my 20s? A person could lose their minds thinking about shit like this...

But it doesn't bother me so much any more - nothing like it used to. One, I have a good job, and having resources is not to be under-valued. Two, my employers are reasonable people. We have even had discussions about allowing me a 4-6 week leave-of-absence. So, in the meantime, it's about getting my creativity in a position to take advantage of such a break. And finally, three, although I have something of a social life, I do not have a girlfriend or a wife. My family, ah, well, suffice to say, they are 2000 miles away, and even then I have limited their involvement in my life...which is something I will analyze more later.

In sum, I have manifested for myself pretty much exactly what I thought I wanted: Space, time, and the freedom to be a great artist.

Which brings me back to love of music. I'm not sure why I love music so much - I am rather shocked and repulsed by the "music scene". I am even horrified at making a career of performance, just because it is so damned hard to do and so unappreciated generally...I mean, during my 15 years of watching live acts, I find that generally I am the only one really stepping up and getting involved with (as I heard Robert Moog say recently) "the on-the-spot community formed by live music". So, uh, people, if I'm on stage - who in the audience has got my back??

Actually until recently, this was the least of my worries. Just having material and being able to play well enough not to get booed off the stage has been my sole focus for 10 years. However, 6 months ago, I bought my first electric bass, and my music world is changed. I can fucking shred time and space with the bass. Yes, Ms.L, if you ever read this, you can pat yourself on the back for planting the seed in my mind - the talent and perseverance? lol, yah, well, I'll be taking credit for that.

I think the reason the bass comes so naturally is that (although most of you might not believe it) I can sing my dang head off. Smoking has dramatically increased my lung capacity by necessitating deeper breathing (you kill off the upper reaches of your lungs and you simply learn to breath deeper to continue living...until you reach the bottom of your lungs, at which point you have emphysema and then have to use an oxygen tank, daaaang, ain't technology sweeet?). Greater breath control = greater singing ability. It's all very simple. (Except for the addictive qualities and tendency to smoke way too damn much...lol) Anyway, singing is melodic in nature, meaning you sing only one note at a time and then proceed to the next note - bass is the same way for the most part. Although I dearly love ripping a bass power chord progression and knocking down a couple walls in China >:D

So bass has opened up a whole new level of confidence and possibility. I don't know what the next stage is, except that I'm hungry for more sonic power, not just volume, but riding a bigger wave, as could only be created by playing with other musicians. With bass I finally feel like there is a place for me in practically any band. I may be suffering from cocky ignorance of what a "real" bass player is capable of doing, but I sort of feel that I have a funky-ass groove that could transform any band from a bland top-40 oriented effort into a dub-stepping desert-rave-crushing modern-era-Grateful-Dead. Well, I'm in no hurry - the more time that passes, the better I get.

So I'm totally stoked about music. I can't help but hope that this is my chance to live the dream of playing and touring and all that biz. But we will see. I have been told by my spirit guides that it takes "lifetimes" to get to that level. So I recognize that in this life music will probably be yet another exciting chapter en route to the dream.

Now art and drawing is something else. I honestly feel myself to be a modern master. However, I am indignant, indignant I tell you at not being recognized. Yes, I understand curators are not going to chase me or beat down my door, and so I have been working on a body of work worthy of a gallery. When I am ready, I will find the right gallery. However, frustratingly, each new piece I do outshines the previous, so although I have done hundreds of incredible drawings, I feel only about 5 of them are truly epic. Plus, in order to present in that type of space, I need to do a lot of work on each piece to make it appear worth thousands.

For which I need money, and although I have been making great money for almost 4 years, the debt I accumulated while making my career change has been disabling me up until recently when I finally paid off the last of my outstanding taxes. My financial obligation to Liz's health care is also resolved - so as of the next paycheck, I will finally be able to pocket all of my profit.

First things first - I need a new computer. My baby, my beautiful warrior laptop - that Compaq Presario has been begging me to die for well over 2 years, and God Bless her, she held on because she knew I couldn't afford a new computer. But now I can, and SO CURIOUSLY now she has collapsed and is basically RIP.

Once I have the new computer, I'm hoping a bunch of creative endeavors will become easier, including: 1) just being able to chill with the ENTIRE music collection instead of whatever I can cram onto the iPhone at one time, 2) migrating jams from my iPhone to my site for sharing purposes, 3) working up my best art pieces to a gallery-ready finish, 4) I have a fabulous idea for re-telling the Peter Pan story, and I want to write that in my spare time (impossible to write with that sticky, crash-causing keyboard), and (take a nice deep breath ya'll), 5) FINISHING KINGNITRAM.com!!

Since starting on this journey, I have built the entire game engine THREE times. Yes, that is basically the entire original King Nitram site, rebuilt 3 times - that doesn't include major revisions, of which there were at least 2-3 on each version. Each time done faster and with more knowledge of how to properly build such an application.

This time I have put aside Flash/AS3 entirely and invested in the standards PHP/MySQL -> HTML/JS/CSS, which I believe will remain standards for years to come. Plus, with the professional expertise I have acquired, I am confident that this iteration is modular enough to drive nearly any client-side revision of the architecture. What I'm saying is THIS IS IT. I'm building this version to launch and scale. I have a huge group of young Facebook-using friends - if the idea ever had any merit at all, they will adopt it, and from there, it will peter out, or it will explode. Either way, I will be soooo relieved to be free of that whole "punk genius" escapade.

One curious thing to note, Mark Zukerberg was writing the first version of Facebook at the same time I was writing the first version of King Nitram. It is reassuring to know that, without knowing, I was very much right in-sync with the social consciousness. Naturally I could never have been the guy to write Facebook in 2004 - but that wasn't my goal. I never imagined myself to be at the helm of such a mainstream social engine. KingNitram always sought to bridge the mainstream with the darkside. And anyone who has used Facebook (and misses MySpace) can attest that the darkside is remorsefully absent on FB. So now is a better time than ever to launch. In fact, with the incredible API that hubs like Facebook have created, the labor involved with producing this version of KN.com is significantly less. Then with my pro-level knowledge of web, building an iPhone or Droid version would totally manageable.

So I can't wait. If granted my leave-of-absence, it will be KN.com on which I focus most of my energy. Of all my ventures, I still feel this is the most likely to create monetary freedom for my preferred creative endeavors. The time is actually better now than it was five years ago for this idea to launch.

That is where my life is at. I work my ass off. I've really been blessed with a huge opportunity of self-awareness. Although that experience initially has been nothing but sorrow and regret at what I've forsaken, I am coming to grips with the decisions I made and forgiving myself. My face is aging terribly, so I've been spending a lot of my energy relaxing & resculpting my facial expressions so that they match better my true sentiments. I used to rely entirely on youth and charm, believing these things were necessary to make people like me or to have my way with people. It wasn't even true, but regardless, I have mostly lost both of those things (charm I hope to revive someday), so I practice contentedness and expecting nothing of people. I like where I live. I moved WAY WAY WAY too much as a kid and never got a chance to get my bearings and strike my own course. Now I'm settling. Not in a way that feels like a life-sentence, just chilling until I'm ready to go somewhere new, or life presents an opportunity to change. I'm a stoner in my free time, which sometimes I am ashamed of - but when I stop smoking, although my head does clear, I tend to get so uptight and mental that I give myself migraine headaches and injuries. It sounds laughable because so many people play the "medical necessity" angle, but for a personality like me, wildly emotional, swinging high and low, weed sort of relegates that swing to the right time and context, ie, after work. I've done the whole trip. I've worked at companies where it was ok to be stoned at work - that sucked. I've worked at companies that it was required to be stoned - that really sucked. I've known and know people who are stoned 24/7, and I know I am not those people. I have my dosage worked out, it really feels like practice managing moods and tendencies which if left to simmer in the bg end up exploding in my face. Honestly, I quite sure ciggies do me more harm. Weed's negative is that it fuddles the mind. But then again, that is also it's greatest benefit. If you are the type to believe that everything in life is to be achieved via the rational intellect, then I have nothing to say to you. Personally, I believe everything in life is achieved via the Spirit, the mind is just a witness. And in my case, a happy'n'high witness. Bob Dylan says, "People ask me why I'm drunk all the time? Well cuz it eases my mind! I ease down the road, stroll, and sing, I see better days and I do better things." Ya'll know it's true - you get the most exercise when you drunk. ADMIT IT.

So that's it - I get pretty damn lonely sometimes, but I counsel myself that clearly I have proven not only to ya'll, but to myself: I am my generation's ARTIST character. This is my role. Show me another mother fucker with my type of talent who could pass on so many gorgeous and loving women and the rich lives they offered me - you can't do it. I earned this position in the pantheon, and now I intend to live the dream.

peace and carrots

greg

An Interpretation of Myself

Have no doubt, I am a magic man. My proof is as deep as you dare to penetrate. I draw, play music, dance, sing, write, garden, and rock crafts of all types - I build this internet nation because I am other-worldly, and I have more to give this time and place -- An athlete, a warrior, a scholar, a citizen and a Chief. I walk freely in the cities, and I live contentedly in the forests. I have the body of an immortal, a mind in my control, and a soul that is free.

:P

And! Believe it or not, I am totally humble! I love all people for your myriad existences, I study you with awe and admiration. I know very well that you have confronted everything and survived everything to be here - and I know how our hearts just ache over it all...so each smile, each clever turn-of-phrase, each sexy strut...I see you as a triumph of Spirit. Your style and personality - you inspire me and make me feel pride in humanity. I love you! Dig? I want to meet more of you! Da me da me da me maaaaaas por favor!

Ok here goes...This is bound to kill off about 97% of you lovely ladies whom otherwise would surely fall madly in love with me --- but in this day-and-age of false pretense {modern-slang:"creepers";},
HONESTY should be hotter than anything else. Well here it is: I know my soul-mate, my Queen. Yes, she's a real woman, the yin to my yang, the flame of my candle, yahda yahda yahda - for real, the mind-reading, the knowing of our true selves, all of it. Yah. Found her and proceeded to fly it straight into the ground. lol, damnit.

Check your emotions and read:

THE PROBLEM is that we live in a world of physical, emotional, spiritual complications AND TIME - call that baggage, call it karma, call it whatever...ya'll know how it is...there are...things, obstacles between the union of two souls occupying different bodies...

Same for everybody, right?

People often choose to work thru this together, over the course of a lifetime. I guess that's what a lot of people really dream of doing, right here on okcupid, and some succeed, and they inspire the whole dang world! Hahah! That's the program a'ight!

But then - you've seen it too many times - how the magical qualities become over-shadowed by the conflict until at some point, we have another couple of co-habitating, lonely, misunderstood people...going out into the world every day just hoping to spy a fraction of the real thing. Developing those misanthropic hobbies, friendships, and head-trips to entertain, not actually free to move on anything, and in a nutshell, miserable. Eeeek. Take me out, Chief!

As soon as we realized the same thing was happening to us also, we decided to split while our love was still pure. We liberated each other so that we could go anywhere, be anyone, and do anything necessary to keep ALIVE this experience of true love.

Now, if any of you made it to here, and are thinking, "wtf is he talking about his ex for - @#&$!" then I politely gesture toward your own past and ask, "Upon what history are you standing? Own it, share it. If you're unwilling to, then it suggests to me you are fictionalizing yourself for the sake of some fantasy. And It is the only chance of even knowing another person."

There are no ideals or standards which fit our generation - we live in an era totally unique in the course of human evolution. Those that are interested in seeing the light will transcend the duality and conflict, and the rest will continue fearing the coming 'zombie apocalypse' or whatever - I'll be in Atlantis or some other dimension by then, hopefully with you, sweetheart. Fly!

I think I've pretty much covered that - what I'm NOT good at is remembering trivia and facts. I sometimes whip up a great improvisational meal, but in all honesty, I'm not a very good cook, although I love good food. I am terrible at playing roles, or pretending to be something I'm not...

BLUE BLUE EYES, good fashion, tall, eccentric-looking. Strangers often ask if I am a musician. wtf? well, ok, I am.

This is the best part about meeting new people!! - I love it all, I want to hear your favorite music, and read your books, and go to your restaurants -- that's why I'm sitting on a gold mine already, because I've known a lot people with GREAT TASTE in all aspects of culture. But I guess this sort of thing is important to people, so, one of these days, I'll put together a list of my greatest influences. eeeek, what a task.

Listen, if your cup is full, your cup is full - if not, it is ready to be filled again with fresh. Life is a win win, and I'm not insensitive to the value of what is past, but. We are here now.

Love. and how everything has a relationship to everything else, and what does that all boil down to? Technology, industry, the manifest destiny of the human race...our planet, my family, other people's families, how government fails, how the wage-system is flawed - how we are the Gods of our own universii which came into existence as we formed in our Mother, and how She represents a being of power greater than our own godhood. I float up, I drift down. I find it all very exciting.

Trying to balance my thirst for adventure and sport with good-sense and a commitment to my well-being. Lately, drawing a lot.

Since 97% of you are already lost to me, this is probably as close as we are going to get - so it is now time, my Lovely, to slip in, and get out...if you know what I mean - I admit that I have been mystified, confused, and clumsy about sex all my life. I will also admit that I have been the best student of tantra ever to walk this land of nubien bountilicious mountains of the yummiest, softest, most undulating and wonderful rhythm ever to have swayed the ocean, planet, or cosmos AND I swear to you, that I'm getting better and better with age -- you might want to scheck it out while the physical is still in top condition...otherwise I guess you'll have to just read the book, study the prints, and wonder about who that King Nitram guy really was.